DIS*SO*NANCE I recently listened to a commentary of John Mark McMillans new album Borderlands (Sessions). McMillans music has always spoke deeply to my soul and whenever I have watched interviews of him I amazed at his authenticity and how down to earth he is. In a commentary behind the inspiration “Monster Talks,” McMillan talks about how he wrote the song about the many sleepless nights he has spent rehashing frustrations, stressing about the needs of his family, and his anger at people who have hurt him or let him down. The song therefore was his realization that there are TWO great realities we live in. “THERE CAN BE TWO SIDES TO THE REALITY WE LIVE IN. THE FIRST REALITY IS THAT LIFE CAN BE HARD, BRUTAL, AND OUTRIGHT TERRIBLE. BUT THE OTHER REALITY IS THAT LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL, FULL OF WONDER AND HOPE. BUT THESE REALITIES ARE BOTH TRUE. THE QUESTION I HAD TO ASK MYSELF WAS WHICH REALITY WAS I GOING TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH. NOT DENYING EITHER ONE OR PRETENDING THAT ONE DIDN’T EXIST. BUT WHICH REALITY WAS I GOING TO TALK TO. WHICH REALITY WAS GOING TO LISTEN TO. WHICH ONE WAS GOING TO TALK TO ME.” - John Mark McMillan I named my blog I Am Dissonance because I realized my life is dissonance. Who I am as a father, a pastor, a friend, is in constant war. I live in these two realities that constantly battle for my attention. John Mark’s words stuck with me not just because of my constant struggle for sleep with insomnia but because of my constant fight for godly perspective. I have realized more than ever that my heart is filled with so much negativity, anger, anxiety, and stress. And while I try very hard to be the man I so desperately feel I should be… I fall short constantly. Like the apostle Paul wrote “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” (Romans 7:15) The artist Sleeping At Last wrote the lyrics “God knows, I am dissonance waiting to be swiftly pulled into tune.” (Mercury/Atlas Year One). Well recently God has been truly “pulling” at my heart and life. I realized that not only am I dissatisfied with my flaws, fears, and brokenness, but that God is simply waiting for me to make a move in his direction. One night I laid awake (like I do many nights) praying a “pity” prayer to God. As I laid there thinking about all of the fears, stresses, and hurts I have felt deeply in my life. God clearly spoke “you know I can take all of that away right.” I was dumbfounded. I preach and proclaim with my whole life that Jesus can break every chain. I spend literally everyday of my life walking around with “spiritual dynamite” but I don’t use it. I believe that Jesus can work for everyone else besides me. I grow content with a life filled with stress, fear, anxiety, temptation, and sin because I have allowed it to be the norm. It was in this moment that I realized over the next year (probably for the remainder of my life) that I no longer wanted to live in dissonance with who God designed me to be. I realized that I no longer wanted to have the struggles of yesterday carry on into my tomorrow. So within this blog I plan to outline the steps I will be taking in the coming months. I ask for your prayers and your input along the way. I will begin simply by outlining some steps I am taking immediately in my life. 1. Spiritual Director- I am not the type of person to simply ask for help. I have a pride issue. I don’t like to look weak and I don’t like to admit my deeper issues. I have had my dirty laundry aired out publicly one too many times. So I decided that asking for help from someone on the outside of my circle of influence would be a huge step towards finding the spiritual revitalization I want in my life. I have been in contact with a group of Spiritual Directors and am in the process of finding a placement. If you don’t know what a Spiritual Director it is simply someone who has counseling expertise in spiritual formation and guidance. Most spiritual directors have multiple theological degrees and have extensively studied spiritual formation and counseling. Sometimes spiritual directors are retired pastors and are seeking to be a open ear for younger pastors. I hope to have updates soon on the process and my placement into this program. 2. Personal Spiritual Walk- I have had many thoughts about how to make my personal devotion and walk with Christ more interesting. One of the ideas I came up with recently was to force myself to carry out some sort of new discipline on a daily basis. In a recent worship team meeting at our church I took our group through and exercise called The Postures of Prayer. I had members of the team enter into difference postures of reverence (kneeling, raising hands, lying face down, dancing) as I read a devotion and passages that talk about what these different postures mean in worship. The exercise reminded me of how passive my prayer life can be. Maybe I’ll say a prayer in my head while working or in the shower. Maybe I’ll pray with a group of people or out loud with my wife. However, in middle eastern culture, both jewish and muslim traditions dedicate themselves to hours of prayer a day in different postures of worship. I imagined what my spiritual life would look like if I made it a regular part of my schedule to raise hands of adoration and bow down in reverence. This is something I am seeking to research more and then made a plan to work it into my life. Who knows I might even write a book. 3. Keeping My Sabbath- As a pastor it has been almost impossible to keep a day of rest in my schedule. Many times my day off becomes a day full of appointments, errands, and just as much work time as the other days (mostly because of my own choices). So I have decided to truly find what a “real” Sabbath would look like for me. As silly as it sounds I want to schedule things on my Sabbath that make me organized in spending time strictly in rest and focused family time. Please comment below ideas you have for me. Feel free to message me via Facebook/email with your thoughts. God bless.
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AuthorMy name is Andrew May. Archives
May 2017
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